Namo Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva
I listen to this mantra almost every night and I try to meditate as often as I can. I have been slacking lately… I shouldn’t be. Time is so precious…
Most people are not aware of my spiritual side but a few of those who knew defined me as strange or abnormal. However, I… define myself as unique and I am pretty darn proud of my curious and spongy mind.
I am still a mess and I actually was sick over Christmas weekend. I did however, managed to finish my projects. Which is really good :)
I have been thinking about my Grandmother. I feel bad when I think of her and when my mom talks about her, I can definitely feel it. I try to block most of it out though… I wish I could make her sadness go away.
I don’t have any dream about my grandfather and I can’t meditate like I used to. I think I lost it… Sometimes I still want to know how he died. In meditation I think he came and told me to let that question go, it already happened and I need to move on. It is not important for me to dwell upon how or why. Well… sometimes I get super curious and really, really need to know. If I focus on it I feel like I could relive it as if I were him and I could see how it happened. It was always too difficult for me to go through so I always cut it off after 10 or 15 seconds in. I tell myself and I hope what I felt and saw was the projection of my own subconscious mind and common knowledge of biology… because I rather believe and have him pass on peacefully.
I’m a bit upset at myself for wasting so much time that I could put to use.
Anyways, My sister is mad at me and Truong because we decided not to celebrate New Year with her and her boyfriend. She wants to come over because they don’t have a place to go to. They don’t want to go out in public because it is too busy and crowded. She feels as if they are homeless. I told my sister that was pretty much my life long ago… I understand that it is horrible but to be with the one I love, it never stop me. Anyways, Truong and I, we really want to be alone with each other because our lives are about to change.
So she was mad and said that we are selfish. She brought up all of the things she did for us and blah, blah.
Don’t we always view ourselves as victim? We always focus on the negative and allow that thought to consume us and prevent us from experiencing the joy that could emerge from that one unlucky situation.
I told her… to take this as a new experience to be alone with her boyfriend. It is time for her to put her guard down, be comfortable around him and enjoy each others company. She blew off and brought up the eZpass. In the past she gave it to me but now claimed she said no such thing. Whatever, she can have it back.
I never like sharing and depending on other people. Too much conflicts. This is the last time I put up with it.
Because of the blizzard my school is not open =D delayed my graduation day though =(
Live. Laugh. Love.
